There's always something
Rebuilding resilience
After all the stuff last year, I'm crawling my way back to where I want to be and what I want to be doing. But it is hard. Every time I feel like I'm on top of stuff and I have a plan and know what I'm doing and things are going better, something happens to throw me off again. And that is not necessarily a bad thing, as it is a sign that there are other people I care about, but it is frustrating how long it takes me to reset again afterwards.
On the positive, I do feel like I am recovering quicker, though still not as fast as I'd like. Recognise the problem, do what can be done to improve/mitigate the problem, then continue on with life and everything else. But for now there is an extra step of recovering from the upset in the middle. I don't want to wish that I lived in a cave on my own, but I do feel sometimes it would be simpler and easier just to get on with my own stuff if I did. Which I then feel terrible for even thinking, which makes the whole situation worse. So there is no winning, just doggedly continuing through and doing the best that I can in the meantime.
Part of me feels like this is a problem we always have, as there are always going to be unexpected things that happen to those we care about. And many of those things will have an impact on us, for good or bad. So does that mean all I can wish for it so recover quicker each time? That feels like such an understatement to be my desire. But that's where I am at the moment.
I don't want to wish people don't come to me for help, and I can't expect no one to ever have any issues ever again, so that's it. And I know that the only thing I can change is myself, and then hope that has a good influence on others, so maybe hoping to recover quicker isn't such a nothing thing after all, but a sign of internal growth and change. Which is one of the hardest things to develop for yourself.
All of this is a long-winded way to say that things are hard, and they keep being hard. And while I wish that wasn't the case, I also recognise that it is unlikely to significantly improve fast. Personal mental development is something that grows over time, after all. I'm just impatient.
Maybe I'll work on that next...