The struggle to adult

Random thoughts I can't shake and how they are freeing me from the grind

When you're a kid, you have few responsibilities. And those you do have are also shared with whoever has responsibility for you - if you forget to do something, they will remind you. But the problem with getting older and moving out on your own is that you build an ever-increasing list of responsibilities. And these manifest, at least for me, as an endless list of things to do. I can feel the weight of it bearing down on me all the time. Looking after a house, a garden, a family, contributing to the local community, all those things are fantastic, yet also bring with them responsibilities.

Photo by Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

And in the last few days, I've come to the realisation (probably very late) that I will never be free of these. There will always be things I should be doing. And that is is alright for me to stop despite that. To take time to do something for me, to step away from the to do list and chill. Procrastination is one thing, but rest is as important as any other task. I can take incremental steps every day to become the better person I want to be, yet also forget about everything for a moment and lie on the grass in the sun just because.

There never will be a time when I will have everything done, as many of these tasks repeat and it is always necessary to choose between them. There will never be time to relax when whatever huge task is over, as there will be something else which arises to take it's place. So, the radical acceptance of rest for rest's sake is a way for me to accept that I will never be done and stop yearning for the moment of achieving total completion.

I can play with to do lists and write down only the things I can do today, but that doesn't stop the other tasks existing and waiting in my subconscious for their moment, weighing me down until then. But the power of accepting they will always be more things to do and yet taking a rest anyway, is revolutionary, for me at least. The idea that I can step aside from all the other things, set a date to return, and then do my own thing, is such a relief. I don't need to worry about the fact I haven't finished everything, as that is unobtainable. So why not stop now?

We aren't machines, we are more than the sum of our parts, but we do need to nourish every aspect of ourselves. And I'm not sure I have been very good at doing that for a long time. Which makes the tension and stress I've been living with even heavier and the relief of setting it down more blissful.

This is somewhat stream of consciousness word vomiting out what I've been working through in my head over the last few days, so I don't know if this will make any sense, or help, anyone else, but this is a record for me of this feeling.

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